Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
