Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
