I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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