see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
