i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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