Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
