my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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