I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
