halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
