if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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