so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
