no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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