I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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