Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
