fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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