I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
