my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He did a backflip because drugs
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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