all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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