I wish my penis had an off switch
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize