My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
