ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
