What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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