last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize