sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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