Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
