So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
People in love make me want to vomit
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
