yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
