he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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