Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
