i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
