its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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