I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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