I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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