Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
