took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
