i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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