i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
