...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
