i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize