the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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