I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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