the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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