I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
