phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
