Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
