That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
