fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't trust your balls anymore.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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