Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
