I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
