I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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