Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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