we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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