Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
