My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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