god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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